Today's prompt is SMALL.
Being a caregiver is no small thing. In fact, it is a huge, overwhelming, all encompassing and life draining thing. And, at least for me, this is not because of any big thing it is the conglomeration of many, many small things.
- It is answering the same question repeatedly, every few seconds, sometimes before you even get the answer out of your mouth.
- It is not knowing if you should argue with her and prove her wrong when she is upset and angry that no one ever tells her anything or if you should just apologize and listen quietly as she rants at you for being so uncaring.
- It is arguing with your siblings about whether it is best for Mom to stay home and be passed around so that I get respite or if she would be better off placed in a facility.
- It is the constant worry about how we will afford a facility for mom if/when the time comes.
- It is the lack of privacy and the lack of freedom that comes with the territory. The inability to even have an adult conversation in her presence without her interrupting with questions and then repeating those questions when you try to resume the conversation because she can't remember who you said you were talking about or why you said what you said or even whether you were speaking to her and not to each other.
- It is the constant anger you feel....
- at those who you don't believe are pulling their weight
- at those who don't understand because they haven't lived it
- at not being able to make any plans until you make sure that there are arrangements made
- at losing your spontaneity
- at feeling like a prisoner in your own home
- at yourself, for feeling angry all the time
- at the person for whom you are caring
- It is not being able to have your doors open to let the fresh air in
- It is having the tv blaring game shows for hours upon hours each day
- It is having to leave functions early because she wants to go home
- It is having to fight with her to get up and get ready because you have an appointment that you need to make.
- It is feeling that if you express yourself (as I have here) that you are a whiny crybaby who feels sorry for herself when you know that there are so many others who have it sooooo much worse.
So those are some of the small things that add up to this HUGE thing that has become my life.