and it may be the last day that Mom lives here, with me, in this house.
I have not been able to sleep all night.
I wonder when will be the next time that I will be able to sleep peacefully.
I spent the night in prayer, asking God for some assurance that this decision I am making is the right one.
I keep reminding myself that it is not written in stone, that if it doesn't work out, I can always bring Mom back home.
I have been playing in my mind all night different scenarios of how this might go if we drop Mom off at the memory care center tonight.
I have been going over the things I need to do to get her moved in.
- Move Furniture
- Clean out Drawers
- Make sure all her laundry is done
- Remember her special coffee cup and wine glass
- Pick up toothpaste, wine and gossip magazines
- Sit down with the new caregivers and go over all mom's likes, dislikes and quirks
- Go to Beauty Parlor and set up standing appointments, advise caregivers of appts and schedule Mom's showers each week.
I know that I am forgetting stuff.
I tell myself I am only 10 minutes away and will be there every day so it doesn't matter if I am forgetting stuff.
I wonder how I should react if Mom gets upset that we are leaving her.
I wonder how I will feel if she isn't upset.
I wonder if my Pops is looking down with understanding.
Or is that disappointment I would see on his face??
I hope that this is the right decision.
and then it all goes through my mind again...over and over and over....until finally I got up and gave up on trying to sleep....turned to my computer and writing to calm my mind, my fears, my worries.
Not a very happy list today but a list none the less that I will share at List it Tuesday.
Yes, I didn't sleep either, but I knew I didn't have the option to bring her back home because I had 20 steps to just get into my house and mom's is wheel chair bound so those two things would never since up.
ReplyDeleteI will say that you should give this period of adjustment about 2 months. It takes that long for them to learn the ropes in their new home, to see the opportunities of friendship and activities and to become familiar with all the new stuff. And expect her to be angry or unhappy about the new situation. That way if she isn't, than all you need to deal with is your own personal feelings of feeling second best :-) !!!
And always remember, she will not get better! She will continue to decline so this move WILL happen at some point. Better for her to do it now with the mental capacity she has than to do it later when her mental capacity is way less.
Hang in there, Girl!! You are doing all the right things for her and yourself. Even if you cry a few tears, you are doing the right things.
Thank you so much. I keep telling myself these things but I don't believe me LOL. It helps to hear it from someone else who has/is going through the same thing.
DeleteYes, Wendy you are doing the RIGHT thing for you and for your family. You are not deserting her. You will still see her everyday. You are just buying yourself peace of mind. I will say prayers for you today and send you positive thoughts and hugs. YOU ARE A WONDERFUL DAUGHTER. If you need to find someone to blame...blame ALZHEIMER'S !!
ReplyDeleteThank you Paula....you know how hard it is...I pray for you daily.
DeleteI read this earlier on my phone and have been thinking about you since. I know exactly how you feel. One day I hope they call with a bed for mom and the next I am so glad they don't. I spent this morning with mom and then I went home to take my son to a hitting lesson and I just didn't go back. I spent the day with my kids at our home. I cooked supper for my family. We watched tv and laughed out loud without having to explain or apologize. And it was wonderful and I am consumed with guilt.
ReplyDeleteThere is no right or wrong. There's just Alzheimer's.
I think you are making the right choice. I think it's going to be hard. And I think (if you're anything like me) you will make it hardest on yourself.
You are such an amazing daughter and caregiver and whether we like it or not, there is no cure. There is no hope. There is no better. And if you've found a safe place with skilled staff and you can remain her advocate - you are giving your mom a gift. Praying for you. Don't beat yourself up no matter how she reacts - because she will do something different tomorrow. Find peace and be kind to yourself.
Thanks Lisa. Does your mom get upset and beg for you not to leave or is she past that now? How long did that go on? I have so many questions and so little answers right now. I am scared to go back there this morning because I am not sure what to expect.
DeleteIf it follows a similar pattern to most, she may be angry with you, upset, wanting to go home, not sure why you "put her here." My mom was angry with me for 4 days. I still came every day and was upbeat, happy, etc, but at some point on day 4 I said,
DeleteMom, this place is better for you than my home. In time you will see that as well. But for now you can be angry if that is how you want to spend your time, and it won't change anything. I will still come and visit and you will still have a beautiful and safe place to live in when I am not here.
The next day she was fine. I think, like a child, she thought a temper tantrum would change things. And as I did with my kids, I kept my cool, stayed focused on what was best for the child (or mom) and the angry behavior evaporated as soon as it didn't result in my caving in.
Stay strong. You are making the right decisions and if your mom had 100% of her reasoning ability she would agree.
Remember your parenting skills. They are the same muscles you should use in this situation.
I think I am used to being Mom's mom now but it was hard for me to leave my kids if they were upset too LOL.
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