Tuesday, December 22, 2015

On the 12th Day.....

It is now 12 days since Mom was released into hospice and sent home to live with us.  This was completely my choice.  Frank, our children and my siblings and friends were very supportive of this choice.  I didn't expect Mom to make it until Christmas and I didn't want her to be alone.

Mom sleeps 23+ hours each day.  She eats hardly anything, although yesterday she ate a whole cookie. She awakens every few hours.  Long enough to get a drink of water and be changed if she needs it.  Mom is still in no pain and when awake is in very good spirits. For this, I am so truly grateful.  The hospice nurse has told us that as long as Mom is taking water she could live for several weeks and even months given that she is still taking in bits of protein drink or ice cream.

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I have only to ask for anything from those who love me and Mom and it is done but I still feel overwhelmed with sadness.  There is no snow nor is there any sunshine. The last few days have felt like dusk starting as soon as you awaken.  I have time to do whatever needs to be done.  I have people who will come and stay so I can get out of the house.  Mom demands very little and cannot get out of bed so I am not chained to her bedside.  Yet, I do nothing, I go nowhere and I have to force myself to shower and dress each day.  I feel myself spiraling downward and as I type this I realize that I have not taken my medication since Mom got sick.

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Hear me breathe a sigh of relief.  This blog is a lifeline to me in so many ways.  What started out as a post to vent my sadness and frustration turned into a lightbulb moment.  I don't have to feel like this. In my busyness and stress, I had forgotten about taking care of me.  This writing reminded me so now I will wipe my tears, pour myself a large glass of ice water and help myself by taking my meds.

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I don't talk about my battle with depression very often but sometimes it helps to know that others may be suffering in silence so I put it out there every so often.  Those of us that suffer from this dread disease often feel ashamed and weak.  We force ourselves to put on a smile and pretend like everything is fine, even when it is not.  We fear that people will judge us and/or think less of us if they know of our suffering.  If you are one of the hundreds of people who suffer from depression and/or anxiety, please know that the person sitting next to you is very likely in the same boat.  There is help.  In my case it is controlled by medicine.  Unfortunately, our minds are not well enough all the time to remember to take the medicine or we are feeling good and don't think we need the medicine. Then, suddenly, you find yourself as I did today.

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During this time of year so many of us struggle quietly.  I am sharing this with you so that if you are one of the three people struggling at this moment you will seek the help you need.  Whether you just need to talk or need to get on medication that will help you. please do so right now.  You do not have to feel the way you do. Life can go on and it can get better.  Trust me. Trust your friends and family. Trust your doctors. Trust in God.  May His peace see you through the holiday season.


  1. Sending you ((hugs)) my friend. I, too, know how this feels. I don't take medication anymore (I hated how it made me feel) but I am glad you got back on yours. I can remember when Richard was where your mom is now. It is such a roller coaster ride and so exhausting. Both physically and emotionally. You are a wonderful daughter! Your mom knows this!

    1. Thanks Paula. I have heard others say that the meds made them feel "different" or "off". Fortunately, mine don't make me feel anything other that "normal" again.

    2. That is a good thing. I tried several different kinds and then finally just gave up. Most of the time I can handle life fairly well! Going through the dying process with Richard was by far the hardest.

    3. Yes, stress seems to exacerbate the problem for sure.


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