, a wonderful idea developed by my friend, Lisa over at My Sweet Peanut. You can learn all about it here.Today's prompt is SMALL.
Being a caregiver is no small thing. In fact, it is a huge, overwhelming, all encompassing and life draining thing. And, at least for me, this is not because of any big thing it is the conglomeration of many, many small things.
- It is answering the same question repeatedly, every few seconds, sometimes before you even get the answer out of your mouth.
- It is not knowing if you should argue with her and prove her wrong when she is upset and angry that no one ever tells her anything or if you should just apologize and listen quietly as she rants at you for being so uncaring.
- It is arguing with your siblings about whether it is best for Mom to stay home and be passed around so that I get respite or if she would be better off placed in a facility.
- It is the constant worry about how we will afford a facility for mom if/when the time comes.
- It is the lack of privacy and the lack of freedom that comes with the territory. The inability to even have an adult conversation in her presence without her interrupting with questions and then repeating those questions when you try to resume the conversation because she can't remember who you said you were talking about or why you said what you said or even whether you were speaking to her and not to each other.
- It is the constant anger you feel....
- at those who you don't believe are pulling their weight
- at those who don't understand because they haven't lived it
- at not being able to make any plans until you make sure that there are arrangements made
- at losing your spontaneity
- at feeling like a prisoner in your own home
- at yourself, for feeling angry all the time
- at the person for whom you are caring
- It is not being able to have your doors open to let the fresh air in
- It is having the tv blaring game shows for hours upon hours each day
- It is having to leave functions early because she wants to go home
- It is having to fight with her to get up and get ready because you have an appointment that you need to make.
- It is feeling that if you express yourself (as I have here) that you are a whiny crybaby who feels sorry for herself when you know that there are so many others who have it sooooo much worse.
So those are some of the small things that add up to this HUGE thing that has become my life.
Man, oh man! You said it perfectly. Right now mom is fishing for compliments...I am worn out! She refuses to do her leg exercises and is doing everything she can think of to distract me. Crying, whimpering, changing the subject and fishing for compliments and sympathy. "So, I'm doing better, aren't I?" It's the question of the afternoon. And she is DUG IN! if I get her to stand up, I'm buying myself a Sonic drink to celebrate!!!
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog for months and you are doing so much, so well and with such positivity. I admire you and your energy. I know the weight of it all and I think your efforts and accomplishments and patience are HUGE!!!
Thanks Lisa, I think it has been harder lately because of all the additional stress going on in my life with the baby and weddings and such. I have just been much more fragile lately
DeleteI honestly don't know how you do it. When I saw that wedding post that it would be in a week, I freaked out and I didn't have to do anything!!! I'll take my struggles with PT!
DeleteI was one of the caregivers for both of my grandparents (my mother being the other), my husband's ONLY care giver for three years while he was basically unable to get out of bed and constantly having seizures (I'm still his caregiver but the seizures are gone and for now he's out of bed) as well as while he had cancer. Now I am my neighbor's caregiver part time and though I'm not there 24 hours a day with her it is still draining. You stated this exceptionally well. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThank you Chrystal and may God bless you and yours.
DeleteTrue, true, true from the first bullet to the last and all the bullets not included here. And sadly the list of bullets grows with each day until it is beyond your abilities as one person to cope no matter how much you love this person and you have to let go.
ReplyDeleteAnd when you do let go and the professions step in (3 shifts of professionals who are then doing what you did round the clock all by yourself), you discover the care giving load is reduced for you and the guilt load is very much increased.
True, and hard. Very very hard.
I walk this with you.
Thank you so much it means a lot to hear from others who have gone through this themselves.
DeleteI didn't get to do this challenge yesterday. But you nailed it here my friend. It is hard. And tomorrow will be harder and then next week I can't even think about. It is draining, exhausting, sad and yet what God has planned for each of us to do. I am glad that we have found our community of supporters here in this wide world of the web. You are one of the strongest women I know And are doing a great job of caring for the one who spent the first half her life caring for you
ReplyDeleteOh thanks Paula, I don't feel very strong lately. I have an appointment tomorrow to check out some residential homes in the area. I feel so guilty even looking into this but I also feel like I am at the end of my rope. I pray every day for guidance and discernment, Some of the places offer respite stays of a few days or a week. I am thinking about trying a few day stay and see how she does with it.
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